


A Rush Of Blood

by mansikka



Series: Filling In The Gaps [5]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Episode Tag, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-26
Updated: 2018-03-26
Packaged: 2019-04-07 02:32:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14070984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mansikka/pseuds/mansikka
Summary: Some alternating thoughts of Alec and Magnus during Bad Blood





	1. Chapter 1

"Dammit."

There have been numerous frustrations in Alec's day already, Clary's argument in favor of keeping the Mortal Cup and Jace automatically siding with her one of the larger ones. So Lydia's casual announcement of the attention Alec's been getting for apparently wanting to _marry_ makes him want to turn on his heel and run. This is not something he ever intends discussing, and though his parents might have designs on him _marrying_ , it's the last thing that Alec wants for himself.

What Alec _wants_ has never been available to him, knowing from a young age that who he's attracted to generally, to the Clave's way of thinking, is less than ideal. He's tried convincing himself he is attracted to women numerous times, but not one of them has ever kept his attention for more than a moment. His eyes have always been drawn to things he knows he shouldn't want to be seeing, and for as long as he can remember, his eyes have always come to settle on Jace.

Today, in his anger for Jace siding with Clary, Alec can't tell if all those _feelings_ are tainted for feeling betrayed, or if he's just beginning to view things in a different light. Maybe Jace has always been a kind of safety net all this time; he'll always be out of reach for Alec for so many reasons, yet he's also the closest to what Alec thinks he needs. And it's easier, safer perhaps, to long for something that he can't have when it's embodied in someone he isn't ever supposed to look at, than to ever say a word about what he's wanting or needing out loud. And since he can't _have_ what he wants or needs, this _interest_ in him back in Idris is just another reminder to Alec that his life can't be about anything but duty, and honor. And that he's resigned himself to wanting only _that_. 

Alec's thoughts about Jace are cloudy today, as are his thoughts on everything else. He's thinking himself in circles, and walking towards the Jade Wolf with  _Lydia_ of all people is really not the time for it. But then Magnus drifts into his thoughts uninvited giving Alec a solitary moment where he feels oddly at peace, and he's letting his thoughts spiral again. It leads Alec to quickly checking his phone out of Lydia's sight, and his stomach dropping when there's no message waiting. It's selfish to even be expecting one; Magnus has already sent him two messages thanking him for his company and hoping that after all those cocktails he doesn't have a sore head.

Alec keeps writing messages to Magnus, but he can't seem to force himself to send a single one. And he keeps rereading those messages from Magnus, replaying the conversations from their evening together, catching himself unconsciously smiling for remembering Magnus laughing, or how they'd drifted to sit together on the same couch, then once again chiding himself that this really isn't the time. And besides, Alec tells himself, Magnus will soon give up, and he doesn't blame Magnus at all; though Alec hates the idea of Magnus losing interest in him even if he can't do a single thing about it. 

They were equally rude to one another as he'd stormed from Magnus' apartment, Alec sighs, that moment of peace shattering. He wishes he'd had the bravery to stay, even for just an hour more, and curses himself for not, then berates himself for even _thinking_ of Magnus all over again.

Alec tells himself to focus, listens to Lydia speaking and tries to push Magnus far from his mind, then follows her into the Jade Wolf thinking only of work.

* * *

"Yes, is there a problem?"

Lydia's intention to bring Magnus to the Institute has Alec's heart skipping, even if he tells himself it's not. But now isn't the time to think of Magnus, even if he doesn't seem to be leaving his thoughts for a second. Lydia's news about his parents being ex-Circle members has filled Alec with a sense of turmoil he's not sure he'll find a way out of, and doesn't even know where to start. He'd talk to Jace about this, but can't, wants to protect Izzy from it at least for now. Alec is stranded in this mess alone, and the worst thing is he has the idea that of all people, Magnus would be the best listener for something like this. He just doesn't know how to ask.

"Do you know him well?" Lydia asks, and that evening rushes back to Alec again, threatening to put a smile on his face before he reins it back in.

"Uh, just a little," Alec blurts out, pleading with his face to remain calm and emotionless. That Lydia wants to meet Magnus, already knows something about him, sends strange feelings through Alec that he can't identify.

But when he's done there's a further message from Magnus that leaves him smiling, even if it is just a little. First a photo of a plate piled high with Belgian waffles in tease for what he's missing, and second a short stack of books that Magnus thinks he'll like.

 _You're gonna be asked to come to the Institute_ , Alec writes back, though doesn't convince himself to send it. He loses a few minutes half-planning to coordinate Magnus' visit with a session in the training room, then tells himself he has work to do, and shoves his phone back in his pocket and grabs the file he's supposed to be working through.


	2. Chapter 2

Magnus pretends his stomach isn't knotting for the excuse of going to the Institute, though is disappointed that the invite comes from Isabelle Lightwood instead of Alec, and is more of a request for assistance with work. So when he's with Izzy, Magnus asks questions to gauge what Alec might be thinking. He isn't sure what Alec has told her, and though Magnus has a feeling Izzy is someone he might be able to attempt to trust, he doesn't want to jeopardize anything at all.

The news of Maryse and Robert wanting Alec to marry is a punch to his gut, and Magnus smiles through it even though it sets his heart off racing. Just like it is again, though in an entirely different way, just a few minutes later. Alec, training shirtless, and apparently taking out his frustration on that punch bag is a sight that Magnus is unable to not react to, already imagining all kinds of things, beginning with tracing out each of those runes with his fingers. Or lips. Or both.

 _Focus_ , he demands as Alec turns to him. Then loses all semblance of focus entirely.

Magnus' initial thought that Alec was beautiful gets another few words added to it, unable to keep his eyes from drifting down over his chest. But Alec is _angry_ , and while Magnus knows it's not at him, he thinks a little teasing is in order just to see if he can make Alec smile.

"Fine," he says when it's clear Alec's mood isn't shifting, "but I liked what I saw. I have the preliminary autopsy findings."

Magnus itches to reach out and straighten Alec's thrown on jacket that needs tugging down at the back, but also loses a second to imagining taking it off of him.

"Why are you giving these to me?" Alec says, irritation laced through every word. "They should go to the head of the Institute."

"And it is," Magnus replies. Alec is the leader here, he knows he is. It might not be his official title, but from their conversation the other night Magnus knows Alec was _born_ to lead. And that he seems to have a thing or two to prove to his parents, but that's a thought for another time.

"I'm not. And I never will be," Alec retorts, frustration seeping into his expression leaving his eyes to sweep away from Magnus. Magnus' eyes drift down for another view of that chest that's doing interesting things to his concentration. It means Alec's sentence continues without Magnus hearing it, leaving him quickly catching up to get the meaning of it a moment later.

Magnus listens to the bewilderment in Alec's voice for whatever it is that has put him in this spin, and Magnus is hit by the strangest need to _comfort_ him. His disdain for Shadowhunters has simmered for more years than he'd like to count, but the thought of Alec's family being the ones to bring whatever upset they have to Alec fills Magnus with so many unfocused thoughts.

Though he's also proud, and pleased, that Alec could speak so freely and openly with him. Alec's lack of contact Magnus thought would mean the ease they'd had with one another in his apartment might have been locked away. Alec is angry, but isn't holding anything back.

"Maybe you should start living for yourself," Magnus suggests when he's finished talking, half-wishing he could continue it with something involving Alec spending a little time with him, away from _here_. Alec stares back at him, and Magnus is desperate to know what he's thinking, and adds, perhaps recklessly, "do what's in your heart."

"I can't believe I'm saying this," Alec says, his eyes darting away, then back to Magnus, and away again as he sighs. "I think you're right."

Magnus smiles, both wanting to insinuate into this new way of Alec to be thinking, and hoping that Alec does whatever is right for _him_.

* * *

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

This is perfect, Alec thinks as he seeks out Lydia, solves more than a few problems at once, and is also his own way of sticking it to the Clave. He's going to propose. He's going to get married. When married is something Alec's never envisioned happening in his life. The truth of it hits Alec hard bringing him to an ungainly stop in the hallway, and it takes a few seconds to get his motivation going again.

There are so many good reasons for doing this, Alec tells himself again, ignoring the inner voice screaming him that this is not what Magnus meant by following his heart. Because if he does listen, and gives in to it, then Alec will storm out of this Institute to follow a warlock across the city, and find out first hand if his lips are as soft, and his arms are as solid, as he's been imagining them to be.

Alec  _wants_ Magnus. It might have been a matter of days, but the few conversations they've had these few days have been some of the most meaningful in his life. And it's safe to admit to himself how much he  _wants_ Magnus now, because he's never going to get the opportunity to explore it. Never learn if all this flirting isn't just something Magnus does, or if it is aimed specifically at him.

Magnus wants him too, Alec thinks, is pretty certain of it. But Magnus is beautiful, intelligent, otherworldly. Someone else will catch his attention when he knows Alec doesn't reciprocate; at least if Alec  _convinces_  himself he doesn't.

"And we can use that to our advantage," Alec says as he begins to explain his thinking to Lydia, telling himself he is not thinking of Magnus.

Lydia is pretty, beautiful, smart, and determined. Knows how to do things by the book, and is unfalteringly loyal to their laws. She might be exactly what Alec needs; they can be  _good_ for one another. Even if Lydia and a marriage is not who, or what, he wants.

Alec's heart is hammering when he sinks down on one knee, feeling odd and uncoordinated as he begins to propose, pleading with himself not to mess things up.

"Lydia Branwell," he says, his throat becoming dry with the weight of his words, "will you marry me, Alec Lightwood?"

It's a logical transaction Alec tells himself again as he stands up to hear Lydia's uncertain _yes_. They don't hug, in fact he has no urge to touch Lydia at all. But they understand each other, even if this decision is more rash than anything Alec thinks he's ever done.

Cautiously they hash out their plans, raising shy smiles as they realize how often their thoughts run together. Maybe in time, they can convince themselves to love one another. It feels cold, and heartless, clinical even to be viewing a marriage as such. And Alec can't think too far in the future for the sense of dread that he gets any time he tries to. But when they've agreed on all the things they need to do to make this work, Alec feels relieved enough to have made such a decision for himself.

Alec tells himself again he doesn't once think of Magnus.


End file.
